Think back to when you were a child playing dress up. Many costumes came with masks. You could be anyone you wanted to be. Ironman. A stormtrooper. A princess at a masquerade ball. A mask could transform you. You could be anyone you wanted to be. Playing pretend with masks hid who you truly were.

Autistic girls often do what is rightfully called “masking” to hide their true identities, to fit in. Masking almost exclusively occurs in women with Autism. In fact, some women get so good at masking their true identities that they are misdiagnosed as Borderline, depressed, Bipolar, etc. They evade the Autism diagnosis until later in life. This is to their detriment though. After the age of 18, it is all but impossible to receive therapies to aid in the symptoms of Autism besides general therapy.

I was a master mask-er growing up. In fact, I didn’t even get diagnosed until I was 18. Even then, it was to the surprise to many of my friends and family.

I learned quickly at school that it was not safe to be who I really was. People did not like the quirky girl who didn’t fit in. So I became someone else. I became who people wanted me to be. It took some practice though.

I started with finding a group of friends, usually comprised of two or three girls. Over time, I took on bits a pieces of their personality traits. This one wears green shirts and jeans, then I am going to wear green shirts and jeans. This one likes to talk about boys on the playground, then I am going to talk about boys on the playground. This one likes to put her hair in low ponytails and play soccer, then I am going to put my hair in low ponytails and play soccer. I slowly morphed into a new person, a new identity. One that fit in with everyone else.

But pretending to be someone you are not comes at a cost. I never truly felt like I fit in. People didn’t know the real me, so they didn’t like the real me. I felt like a faker, because I was. It was also exhausting, pretending to be someone I was not. It led to social anxiety. It led to depression. It led to panic attacks.

After I graduated high school, I lost touch with most of my friends. I lost all my masks. I didn’t know who I was or what I liked because I spent so much time pretending to be everyone else. This led to me desperately trying to find new masks. But I failed. I couldn’t make new friends at college. I couldn’t forge new masks. I became very anxious and depressed. I got up to having over 10 panic attacks a day. I had to start over. I had to become me.

The day I got my autism diagnosis, I realized that it was safe to be me. I realized that I was different because of my autism not because of an internal flaw. I needed to learn to be okay with me.

Over this long and sometimes painful journey, I have learned who Emily is. I have learned that Emily likes math. I have learned that Emily does not like loud noises and flashing lights. I have learned that Emily needs time alone to function with being in big crowds. I have learned all of that is okay because I am me.

The day I threw away all my old masks was the day I became free to be me. And that’s okay.